Computer Design Humor

These humor pieces in various forms have been widely circulated on the Internet. They summarize some of the feeling about the current state of the art in computing.

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You Know It's Time To Turn Your Computer Off When...

1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
2. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
3. Tech support calls YOU for help.
4. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
5. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
6. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
7. You look at an annoying person off-line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
8. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
9. You're on the phone and say BRB.
10. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of-Life.

The Gates Speech. Authors unknown. 

At a computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates, then Chairman of Microsoft Corporation, reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon." 

In response to Chairman Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving a car with the following characteristics: 

1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash multiple times a day and when you call for service they'll tell you to reinstall the engine. 

2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 

5. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off. 

6. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lift the door handle, turn the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 

7. Every time GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 

8. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine. 

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Subject: FW: a new program-Installing Husband 1.0

Date: Mon, 27 Sep 2004 12:44:47 -0400

INSTALLING HUSBAND 1.0

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

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Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.

Please enter the command: "http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm" and try
to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).

Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and others.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

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